after 03/03/08, pretty much every person who was close to me at the time walked out on my life. and as much as it may have been by my own doing, whether i 'chose to walk away' or i pushed them away, i didnt give them enough time, i dont know... i just know theyve gone. but i find myself constantly trying to act like im someone im not just to impress them on hopes of trying to win them back, because god knows talking to them doesnt work. but really, no matter where i am, who im with, im always acting, trying to make myself seem happier and more 'posi' and just better in general so that if they see im not the same fucked up girl i was after the crash, that theyd let me join them for drinks or id even settle for a quick chat at the lamebridge. then if i do happen to make some progress with them, of course i manage to fuck up somehow, oh and its always a good one, i dont do things in half measures apparently.. but yes, if i slip up, back to the same old routine of acting like im someone im not. these people.. they were my best friends, or maybe i was just a way up the social ladder.. but they claimed to be there for me through everything, no matter what, but instead? instead i go through a massive fucking trauma and they completely bail on me because im too 'negative'. WHAT THE FUCK?! id like to see any of you almost kills yourself and two others, completely and utterly fucking their lives in so many fucking ways that they wont ever be able to walk again! you have that on your fucking mind every fucking day along with seeing their terrified faces just before impact every fucking night before you go to sleep, countless surgeries on yourself leaving your body riddled with disgusting scars so that even if you tried to not think about it, you cant even look at yourself, have to sit through a seven month long court case, fuck knows how many lawyers appointments where they go over it over and over again, have fucking randoms messaging you abusing you over it, getting fucking truthbox comments calling you life ruiner, tell me they hope i get the maximum sentence, that i got what i deserved, people from fucking sydney finding out about it and saying to your face that you shouldve died in the accident! you try facing seven years in jail and countless newspaper articles slandering the fuck out of you while you sit there, watching every single one of your 'best friends' walk away. tell me how it fucking feels to lose everything then try to walk out of it fine because i fucking guarentee you wont. i fucking guarentee you will not come out of this. ive been focussing on the wrong thing, the wrong people. ive been trying to be someone else just to hang with people who fucked me off when i neded them the most. im sorry, i may have been difficult sometimes, but fuck. but you know what the fucked up thing is? ha the two people who really had reason to hate me, like fucking HATE me.. theyve fucking forgiven me. even it its just a hug and a quick drunken catch up when we see each other of more, they so much more than you will ever be. and haha if they read this blod? i dont even care. im not trying anymore. im going to be my disgusting, scar riddled, fucked up self.
i gave myself a fucking panic attack writing this aswell. asflzjskd
