stockholm syndrome

2010-08-10T20:40:00.000+10:00

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

2010-06-05T02:21:00.002+10:00

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Hungry Jacks, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

2010-06-01T20:56:00.002+10:00

I wish there was something i could write here to make it ok.
How could someone like you be taken from this world so young?
You were a great person, the world needs more people like you.

Rest In Peace, Ben Johnson.
You will be sorely missed.

2010-05-04T15:38:00.002+10:00

its funny how loneliness sets in and takes over..

2010-04-13T23:30:00.002+10:00

why is my timing off by, give or take, one day?
every single time. every single thing i do.
when something finally lines up,
it had better be something amazing.

2010-04-11T00:46:00.000+10:00

where do you go when home isnt home anymore?
i dont want to be here anymore.

2010-03-01T08:09:00.001+11:00

i hated living inside of you,
but i cant wait to visit.

2010-02-21T02:54:00.002+11:00

i wonder how you are? how exactly has your life changed? i understand how much it would have changed, no doubt, but the small things? i dont even know what the small things would be. i dont know if this place has helped me move on, rather than bring me back. people see my scars and then ask questions... im not going to deny it. as ashamed as i am, as much as i wish it never happened and as much as i dont want to tell people... im not going to hide it, like it never happened. but people do ask, and i cant move on. its my fault, but i never meant for it to happen. i just want to move on and be a normal person again. i dont want to have those nights where i cry myself to self anymore. and even saying that, im being selfish and hate myself because i ended up fine. all i have are scars and questions. i remember thinking 'oh my god, im going to die' and i remember your face. i remember your face. i remember trying to get out of the car to see if you were alright, but she wouldnt let me. she wouldnt fucking let me. sometimes i wish i did get out, because then i wouldnt have been able to walk either, and then maybe i wouldnt hate myself so much for hurting you so bad. but thats being selfish again. i just with you were ok, and i was the one who got hurt. but im not and you are, and i dont know how to deal with this. at all. im so fucking sorry.

cant. fucking. wait.

2010-02-15T14:25:00.005+11:00

2010-01-26T23:21:00.000+11:00

i have to say this.

the lead up to aus day has been filled with event invites and notifications about not being a drunken bogan on aus day, yeah?
yeah.
all i have to say, is get fucked. australia day isnt about being a bogan, beating up lebs or anything like that.
its about celebrating the fact that we live in an amazing country.
so you came here on a plane? who fucking cares??
i know for one that I came here as a convict.
gonna beat me up for it?
you love living here as much as the next person. fuck it.
and to those ragging on who 'bogans' for doing what australians are known world wide for and drinking a fuck load?
who. gives. a fuck.
seriously, we all celebrate it in different ways, get over it.
i dont at all support people who go out and bash people becuase theyre obviously from another country,
but people are taking shit way too far.
people are bashing people because they came here on a plane.
other people are bashing people because theyre bashing people who came here on a plane.
grow up, everyone.
no, you dont have the same ideals.
but we're all australian and that is what we all have in common.
celebrate it.
celebrate your country.
and celebrate how lucky you are to be living here, instead of some third world country.

/end rant.

2010-01-02T01:51:00.002+11:00

love. we all think of love as some great, beautiful thing... but we fail to see how it evokes such emotions as jealousy and pain. we say we love someone, yet we fight with that person, we say harsh things to hurt that person because our love for them has caused us to become jealous, paranoid and untrusting. we hurt the ones we love because we're too scared of getting hurt ourselves. shouldnt this 'love' make us want to put our loved one above and beyond ourselves? shouldnt 'love' make us want to protect them and make sure nothing will ever hurt tham? or are we just that selfish that we have lost everything we once believed in just to make sure we never feel any pain? we're hurting ourselves trying to save ourselves from the one thing that can truely help us.
ive been thinking alot about you lately, alot about us and how we used to be. i loved you with everything i was, but i got scared and pushed you away, over and over again. i am unbelievably ashamed of how i treated you, but in the end, youre happy now, and that is all i want for you. your happiness and wellbeing is all i care about. while our friendship now has to be on the dl, your texts keep me going. every second of every day, i will love you until i die, but our chapter finished a long, long time ago. i wish you well, friend.

2009-12-21T05:55:00.004+11:00

we are the future but the future looks bleak
i have no interest other than being uninterested
all these vampires masquerade as leaders
and pray on the minds of the weak
all i know is i dont care
and even if i cared id have no hope
to carry me to where i need to go

comments.

2009-11-28T05:50:00.000+11:00

i dont know who wrote me this months ago, but thank you.

Acceptance in the end is the key, you have to accept all those thoughts to be yours, it's not about turning off, it's about find a light... your light.

You already are perfect, and you already are capable of the most amazing things, do not bring yourself down to the level of everyone else, be better than that.

Just don't get frustrated, there is no such thing as a quick fix to suffering.

2 things.

2009-11-28T05:45:00.000+11:00

1) the world is a fucking beautiful place.
2) humanity fails me. do not want.

.

2009-11-21T06:28:00.001+11:00

Me? I’m scared of everything.
I’m scared of what I saw.
I’m scared of what I did.
Of who I am.
And most of all,
I’m scared of walking out of this room
and never feeling the rest of my life.

so there was this boy...

2009-11-21T00:19:00.001+11:00

and hes really cute and nice and funny and we made out and now i have a big gay crush on him. lame!

i was born in the wrong era

2009-11-19T08:55:00.005+11:00

i'll believe everything,

2009-11-16T00:51:00.002+11:00

but i dont believe in anything. how am i meant to believe in some 'god' when i look around and see so many terrible things? i see my friends crippled with things that noone should have to go through, let alone at such a young age. i look at my sister, nephew and nieces and see that theyre stuck so far away from anyone who could help them while they get beat up by her abusive husband; their abusive father. i look at my parents, who have tried so hard their whole lives to be great people, who ARE great people and what do they have to show for it? a daughter who cant call them, a pothead son who has been in and out of jail more than i can count, another son who is an alcoholic, a daughter who almost killed herself, put a man in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and forced them to almost bankruptcy, a beautiful house they have to sell because they cant afford to live in and two people they can call friends. i look around and see everything from war to poverty, to all these horrible things and i dont understand how there could be so many things wrong if theres someone up there who we are meant to pray to to make these bad things go away. i just dont understand how everything is so fucked up, and yet people still want me to believe in something that is doing nothing to make anything better. i have been in one of these fucked up situations, and i got through that. but was i 'meant to live'? i dont know. but i did live and that was because of some amazing people who got me out of that wreck, people who worked night and day on my mangled body, people who stood by my side, people will always stand by my side. not by the work of some mystical being noone even has proof of existing. but then, without this mystical being, would those people have the means to helping other people the way they helped me? and if this mystical being did indeed give those people the tools to help other people, then why cant this mystical being, this god, give everyone the toold so help other people so that these things that are so fucked up dont exist anymore? there is so much beauty in the world, i see how the clouds form in the afternoon and how the sun hits them and the hills around me and it can make me smile so much and brighten my day, but does that beauty really out do all of the horrendous things out there? ive tried to believe in a god, i really have, but how can i when there are so many wretched things everywhere around me?

haha

2009-11-11T05:24:00.002+11:00

wow, all you bitches may hate me, but fuck you like to copy the shit i do.
yeah, youre like three years late, but good luck with it.
(oh yeah, it looks shit on you too)

havent completely fucked up my life JUST yet.

2009-10-26T01:43:00.001+11:00

never have i been so happy to get my period. you've only been missing for what, four months?

hmm.

2009-10-25T20:39:00.002+11:00

pretty sure i had my drink spiked last night. whats even more fucked is that it happened after we'd already went back to a friends after being out. ffs, people are shit.

kind words from a faraway land.

2009-10-21T00:39:00.000+11:00

Sarah! I just answered a different mail from you not even realizing that it was from you. Thanks so much for those kind words. It means so much more coming from someone that I actually know. That whole trip in Australia was so incredible. Seeing so many great people like yourself and meeting new ones. I really have fallen in love with your country and was so sad to leave. More sad than I've ever been when leaving a tour. I really hope to see you again soon and especially hope to see you in my hometown for once! It really was good seeing you, even though it was for such a short time, and you look so amazing like things are going good for you. I hope that's the case because that's the vibe I got from you and it made me feel good. Keep in touch Sarah.
Bye bye for now...

i may be nothing,

2009-10-19T07:14:00.000+11:00

but im a million times better than you.

you.

2009-10-18T18:59:00.000+11:00

make you smile so much. i've missed you :)

two years.

2009-10-14T04:48:00.001+11:00

is such a long time, but not long enough to forget.

back to how it should be.

2009-10-13T19:36:00.003+11:00

everything is going so good for me now, so good. im speaking to people i havent spoken to in so long, people i care about more than anything in the world. im reconnecting with my family. im doing my own thing. im becoming the person i was before you came along. im no longer your shadow and im so fucking happy about that. my life is amazing and i wouldnt change a thing in it right now. seeing Terror and hanging out with old friends has given me the biggest buzz, nothing can bring me down.

terror hardcore.

2009-10-12T00:00:00.004+11:00

i cant even begin to explain how amazing this weekend has been for me. tomorrow when i wake up im going to write more here, but i need sleep so bad. so ill leave on this note.. terror, thank you for making my life so much better, for years you have been, currently are, and always will be the one constant thing that makes sense in my poor excuse of a life. this weekend has been the second best in my life, only to be out done by two years ago when you made that weekend completely and utterly unbeatable.

engine, engine number 9

2009-10-08T11:17:00.002+11:00

on the new york transit line
if your trains goes off the track
pick it up, pick it up, pick it up
LETS GO!

fatman scoop is stuck in my head, sweet. last night was so fun, but tonight will be better. heading down to hot damn with my girls, drinking vodka out of our stolen glasses and sneaking it in in our stolent flask. if the vodka was stolen too, itd pretty much be amazing. jen and marissa, i love you.

frank sinatra.

2009-10-07T02:27:00.004+11:00

oh, how i love you. laying in bed, eyes closed, listening to you through my headphones. i wish i had you on records. i wish i was older and had a beau who would slowdance with me to your records when we would feel sentimental. i wish i was born in your era and i couldve gone to see you. you were such an amazing man.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

hypocrite.

2009-10-06T21:47:00.005+11:00

the perfect word for you, my darling.

hyp⋅o⋅crite [hip-uh-krit]

–noun
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Origin:
1175–1225; ME ipocrite < OF < LL hypocrita < Gk hypokrits a stage actor, hence one who pretends to be what he is not, equiv. to hypokr(nesthai) + -tēs agent suffix

Related forms:
hyp⋅o⋅crit⋅i⋅cal, adjective
hyp⋅o⋅crit⋅i⋅cal⋅ly, adverb

Synonyms:
deceiver, dissembler, pretender, pharisee.

turning negative to positive.

2009-10-06T16:41:00.002+11:00

its a good feeling to realise that what once brought me down so far that i thought i'd never be normal again has made me so much stronger than ever before. what once almost killed me is now giving me hope and making me see that each day is truely a gift. although i will forever have permanent reminders etched in my skin and memories burnt into my brain, i'm beginning to accept what happened and move forward. i will always feel a terrible amount of guilt to the people who got hurt by this, but instead of letting it control my life in the worst way, i now have a totally different outlook on life. i'm finally ready to let go.

i wish we could go back,

2009-10-05T19:00:00.003+11:00

back to when we were happy. before the drama, before the fights. back to when the skies were blue and the flowers where in bloom. before everything went sour, before everything came crashing down. i wish we could go back, back to when we were happy.

my week from what i can remember.

2009-09-23T02:15:00.002+10:00

red fanta, spider killing crusades, pork crackle, vodka, bicardi, hospital, new job, drunken hospital, wasting money, loans, epic fights, midnight drives, hot damn, dancing on pool tables, slapping my best friend, pool at the clubhouse, george michael, cute guy, bekk, strip club, getting nipple sucked by stripper, king st., cute bike guy, blue door, staunching cigs off 15 yr old, staunching jim beam, and epic 'the hills' marathons.

and i am what i am,

2009-09-02T20:42:00.001+10:00

what i am, what i am
a trainwreck

dreaming of things ill never have.

2009-08-28T18:11:00.002+10:00

my life sucks. no, it doesnt actually. i just dont want it anymore. with the risk of sounding like an old bastard, im over the partying and going out. im over not doing anything with my life. i have huge, huge dreams and i know exactly what i want from life, but im stuck in the same place i have been since my 'crash of 08' and as much as i know how to get out of it, i completely lack any motivation to do so. ive got it so damn easy right now i guess im scared of what will happen. i need to be pushed off the deep end and made to fight. i just dont think i can do that by myself.

memories.

2009-08-10T13:10:00.003+10:00

i found every ramones cd i own today. well, all but one. ive been listening to them for about three hours now and im loving it more than anything else right now. theyre bringing back memories of summer years and years and years ago, when i was just out of school. my life was so simple then. i worked in my little cafe at lindemans, drove my little red charade (which i broke and no longer had first gear haha) and had the most amazing friends ever. i was young and dumb and didnt care about anything. i remember having a crush on shane then, he worked for lindemans so i seen him every day almost. id never admit to crushing on him, even though i knew the feeling was mutual. id come home from work, have dinner then if the boys werent doing anything, id drive to morriset and pick them up. ryan first, then stuart, pitt, in the early days, then we'd drive to pick up tim. we'd just drive around for hours and hours, yelling at people out of the window, annoying the prostitutes in iso.. just random shit. one time we went to maccas and got 14 ice creams simply to throw at people. that night, pitt was with us and he had a bottle of v, but when he finished, he went to throw it out the window. he didnt see a car, missed it by about 20cms and it smashed out front of the police station full of cops haha. ah, and another time, stuart and i got so sick off a pizza we 'invented'. cheese pizza with lollies on top of it. it was the most disgusting thing. haha and tim, 'just leave me here to die!'. god, we had so much fun. we made stuart drink for the first time. going to red letter projects gigs and i always thought kynan and shaun hated me, turns out they were just scared of me because i was best friends with ryan. going to all the hardcore gigs with ryan and tim, hardcore dancing at balcolyn lake and talking about sex. they were all virgins then. then i got a different car, i dont remember why.. probably had something to do with driving so fast over the speed humps in edgeworth haha. the white excel came next. i fucked up that car too. id just picked up stuart and we were on the freeway heading to tuggerah to go to the movies, but just before the twin service stations, the accelerator stopped working so i rolled on in. only just made it to the bowsers and the car stopped and the attendent guy came running out with a fire extinguisher yelling for us to get out because my car was on fire hahaha we couldve blown up the whole place. needless to say, we didnt make it to the movies and i never seen that car again. before that car died, we spend my 18th birthday together. i picked the boys up and let stuart drive for a bit. haha he might've been on his Ls still? im not sure, but he was going around a corner and almost crashed into a house. i took over driving, which was fine, this was in my year of not drinking. anyway, we got back to my house to meet dane and we were just fucking around in the car then stuart jumped on the roof and i started driving up the road hahah and he went to jump off, but absolutely fucked himself up on the road. we made up some bullshit story to mum and she cleaned him up haha. it wouldve hurt so much, you could almost see bone on his elbow and his hip. god i had so much fun with those three boys. i miss them. i loved them so much. fuck, i always will.

consider me destroyed?

2009-07-12T17:53:00.003+10:00

no, not anymore. for the first time in a long while, i actually feel happy with myself. community service actually helped me so much. working with, getting to know and helping people with disabilities has made me realise that theres so much bigger things to worry about. i already knew that, yes, but i guess it just put things in perspective for me. im not angry anymore, im not holding onto anything anymore. without sounding like a hippy, im very at peace with myself. this may have something to do with something else, but thats a different story.

i came on here with the intention of writing about you.

2009-06-14T08:44:00.002+10:00

instead, i cant find the words. maybe i have nothing to say, or maybe i just dont want to post it online. i dont know. i do know however, that when i logged on, i was extremely suprised by a comment posted in reply to one of my blogs. i guess what you act like a fucking cunt whore to someone, you dont really expect them to turn around a few months later and ask if youre ok. i really am shocked at people. ive watched my best friends walk out on me while the people i thought id never speak to again are asking me what those best friends shoukdve asked me a long long time ago. the whole process is fucking spacing me out, but i guess guys are onto something when they say "treat 'em mean, keen 'em keen" huh?

dear outside,

2009-06-04T22:59:00.001+10:00

why so cold and foggy?
you make my bones hurt,
and you make everything look and feel like a scary movie.

"friends"

2009-06-03T22:19:00.004+10:00

after 03/03/08, pretty much every person who was close to me at the time walked out on my life. and as much as it may have been by my own doing, whether i 'chose to walk away' or i pushed them away, i didnt give them enough time, i dont know... i just know theyve gone. but i find myself constantly trying to act like im someone im not just to impress them on hopes of trying to win them back, because god knows talking to them doesnt work. but really, no matter where i am, who im with, im always acting, trying to make myself seem happier and more 'posi' and just better in general so that if they see im not the same fucked up girl i was after the crash, that theyd let me join them for drinks or id even settle for a quick chat at the lamebridge. then if i do happen to make some progress with them, of course i manage to fuck up somehow, oh and its always a good one, i dont do things in half measures apparently.. but yes, if i slip up, back to the same old routine of acting like im someone im not. these people.. they were my best friends, or maybe i was just a way up the social ladder.. but they claimed to be there for me through everything, no matter what, but instead? instead i go through a massive fucking trauma and they completely bail on me because im too 'negative'. WHAT THE FUCK?! id like to see any of you almost kills yourself and two others, completely and utterly fucking their lives in so many fucking ways that they wont ever be able to walk again! you have that on your fucking mind every fucking day along with seeing their terrified faces just before impact every fucking night before you go to sleep, countless surgeries on yourself leaving your body riddled with disgusting scars so that even if you tried to not think about it, you cant even look at yourself, have to sit through a seven month long court case, fuck knows how many lawyers appointments where they go over it over and over again, have fucking randoms messaging you abusing you over it, getting fucking truthbox comments calling you life ruiner, tell me they hope i get the maximum sentence, that i got what i deserved, people from fucking sydney finding out about it and saying to your face that you shouldve died in the accident! you try facing seven years in jail and countless newspaper articles slandering the fuck out of you while you sit there, watching every single one of your 'best friends' walk away. tell me how it fucking feels to lose everything then try to walk out of it fine because i fucking guarentee you wont. i fucking guarentee you will not come out of this. ive been focussing on the wrong thing, the wrong people. ive been trying to be someone else just to hang with people who fucked me off when i neded them the most. im sorry, i may have been difficult sometimes, but fuck. but you know what the fucked up thing is? ha the two people who really had reason to hate me, like fucking HATE me.. theyve fucking forgiven me. even it its just a hug and a quick drunken catch up when we see each other of more, they so much more than you will ever be. and haha if they read this blod? i dont even care. im not trying anymore. im going to be my disgusting, scar riddled, fucked up self.
i gave myself a fucking panic attack writing this aswell. asflzjskd

i did this to myself

2009-06-02T20:07:00.000+10:00

the summer air burning in my lungs
one more glance till i come undone
let's stop this rising sun

bright lights can see
they always shine right through me
leaving me an open book
of halfways and could-have-beens
taking us to the end, end, end
and that summer changed us
it's best i admit that to myself
stuck trapped in memories
the tragic tale of you and me

can't get back to the way we were
nothing else mattered
it was us against the world [x2]

now it's just me sucking in that summer air
what a summer, i had no care
how quick it all crashed down
not willing to bend, bend, bend

and these struggles changed us
it's best to admit that to yourself
stuck trapped in memories
the tragic tale of you and me

can't get back to the way we were
nothing else mattered
it was us against the world

that morning came too soon
what were we suppose to do
one choice torn in two
i know what you were put through
and i thought we had it
we didn't have enough
we can't go back
we'll never go back now
THIS IS THE END

favourtire hoodie + copeland = nightmares

2009-05-19T20:41:00.000+10:00

so i just fell alseep in my favourite hoodie, listening to copleland and had a fucking nightmare.

i was saving people from... i have no idea, if they got bitten by bad people, theyd have to go to a parallel universe but id figure out how to save them and get them back but then i went on a mission to get someone from a different universe and left a group of 10 people in one universe swimming in a pool in a warehouse... NO! THE WATER FROM THE POOL IS WHAT GOT THEM BACK TO THEIR ORIGONAL UNIVERSE! YEAH! so they were fine, there was no other way into the warehouse that i knew of than the secret one i knew of, but when i got back from saving a person from another universe, the 2 bad biter people had turned the ones id left there so they could bite people and fuck shit up too and their mission was to bite me so i couldnt help anyone else. si i had like 12 people after me like dogs and we went to sydney harbour and there was jelly waxy sort of shop, like madame tussaudes so that was cool because they were made out of different coloured jelly, but then it turned into a futuristic hotel, also cool, so i ran into the kids rooms part and scott caught up with me and we started having sex, which worked out well too because there were people having sex across the water so we were watching them aswell. but then when wed finished and were walking around again, pharell williams walked past with this blonde chick, and i was like 'nice whore' and hes like 'shes too drunk, i dont even want her' hahaha then she past out, but somehow turned into a biter at the same time, so she bit pharell and scott, so i had another 3 people chasing me. so i got out on the streets, and they i was running and wunning and the biters, being smart, they were on roller blades and bikes and shit and they were closing in, but i figured they couldnt jump, so i jumped on a car then one bit the fucking car! i held onto the spoiler and the brake lights came on and just as the car was about to fling the boot up real hard and kill me, i woke up.

that wasnt meant to happen.

12.20.

2009-05-19T00:20:00.000+10:00

i have so much to say, but absolutely no words. fuck.

tweeeeeeeeeeeeet

2009-05-11T20:01:00.000+10:00

http://twitter.com/sarahbrookee

mini freak out

2009-05-11T15:47:00.002+10:00

so my 21st is coming up. well, next month. ive been thinking about it alot the last few weeks and ive come to the conclusion that i am a fucking shit human. im turning 21 and all i have under my belt is a few scummy jobs, a fuck load of court cases, easily $10k in debt, i almost killed myself and two innocent victims, i drink constantly, i still live with my parents, starting community service tomorrow.. god, i really do suck at this whole life game. i have a very bleak future and a past riddled with tears. when i was a kid, i had everything planned out. i knew where i wanted to be by 21, but with all of lifes little distractions, where has it left me? im at the point where i dont even know how to pull myself up and out of this neat little mess ive made for myself. dont get me wrong, its fun as fuck, but i want to be someone. i guess when i get community service out of the way, a fresh start is well overdue.

keep?

2009-04-30T19:12:00.002+10:00

my mother bought me bio-oil today. i had asked her to get me some months and months ago, but i guess she only just remembered. my body is absolutely riddled with horrible scars as a result of something devastating and as much as i wish i could take it back, do i really want to lose them? i dont know if this makes sense to anyone else or maybe its just my fucked up way of thinging, but if i try to get rid of these scars, it feels as though im lying about a part of my life, like im trying to forget. i dont want to forget. i dont ever want to forget. my scars came from something terrible, but they show me how strong i can be when i need to be. theyre a reminder that something can completely fuck up everything in a matter of seconds, a reminder that im not invincible.

20/2

2009-04-28T13:00:00.003+10:00

twenty days since the last time i was on here, two major things to whine about.
court. amazingly good result, probably the best anyone could hope for. 12 months loss of licence and 60 hours community service. amazing.
and the article. i dont know how journalists find out, or are even legally aloud to write what they do. it is completely beyond me. a quarter of a page basically dedicated to me apparently being a mentally unstable alcoholic who is almost at suicide.
ah well, my life is good, and once i get the community service out of the way, i think its time for a fresh start.

tuesday nights

2009-04-07T20:37:00.002+10:00

i wish i could turn the clock back to when things were easy. but then... if i turned it back... id lose you. or would i find you anyway if i went back and started over? youve been so close for years and years, but only one year when youve been by my side. im sick of messing things up. i had a good life, good job. then i messed it up. i completely fucked my life up. not even just mine. but to be completely honest, i dont care about my life anymore. i do not give a fuck. i just wish more than anything that i could take back the pain i brought on him and on my family. so far, ive had 11 or 12 broken bones in 18 months but id gladly break every single bone in my body, completely shatter them, turn them to dust, to make sure he never had to be in the position he is now and for my family to be happy. i just want to go back. back to when i was still at ganellen. back to when everything was ok. having said that though, to have you in my life, is the greatest thing i could ever imagine.

falling.

2009-03-22T00:08:00.003+11:00

i seem to be questioning myself more and more lately. every time i try to form a decent sentence, i find myself sitting there with my eyes closed, shaking my head. i pick up my phone, put it down. i have to stop myself from contacting you. i dont even know why. i dont want to admit that i was wrong? i dont want you to know how vulnerable i am? i dont know.. i just want to call you and tell you that i was wrong, that i need you. i want to find the words to show you everything you are to me, but i just end up sitting there, with my eyes closed, shaking my head.

/sigh.

2009-03-21T03:49:00.002+11:00

i need change. i need to get out of this never ending fucking circle of booze and drugs. im back to where i was before the crash, maybe even further. i know what i need to do, but my heart is doing everything and anything it can to stop me.

broken pieces.

2009-03-03T14:48:00.002+11:00

you think i can turn off so easily. i cant. my mind is racing faster than the speed of light, but not one thought reaches me. im grabbing at anything that will tell me how things got to this but so far, nothing. you say youve found a way to switch off, please let me know what that is so i can have a little bit of relief from this. but then thats being selfish. i have to figure out what to say next but no words come to mind. im sitting here, acting as calm as possible so that you cant see how broken down i am. i dont want to speak. i dont want to do anything. i just want a drink. give me something to calm me down. give me something to make the pain go away. give me something.

one last chance to reverse this curse.

2009-03-01T15:41:00.003+11:00

another day laying in bed. im over this. i want to get up and go do something, but i cant. i get paid tomorrow. i want to go get scott a birthday present for friday. i probably cant. i probably wont be healed enough for friday. i really hope im up and about for that. time for more pain killers.

and we all have a hell

2009-03-01T04:50:00.003+11:00

so its 4.51am. i woke up at around 3.10 from the pain and havent yet been able to sleep. i had the pin taken out of my femur on thursday, 3 days ago. the pain is excruciating. i was only in hospital over night, they gave me morphine again this time. although it did make it virtually painless, i could not stop itching the whole next day. anyway, i faked to the doctors that i had almost no pain so they leg me go early, the only problem with that was that they only gave me a script of panadine fort. panadine fort does nothing for this pain. i can hardly move. i have to sleep on my back, but since my back is fucked from being factured, that just adds more pain to the equasion. my leg is bruised and swollen as fuck and i can only wear dresses because nothing fits. it sucks, whatever.
i love my boyfriend. he came into hospital and stayed until he got kicked out. we had the cutest hangs. i made him lay on my bed and we played hangman and were just cute in general. im glad that we're back to how we used to be again. i just need him to realise that hes the only person bringing himself down.

one more glance till i come undone.

2009-02-22T17:24:00.002+11:00

its funny how you see people out who you once considered good friends. when time has come between your friendships so much so that you look at them as they look at you, but you both hardly recognise each other. i hate this. i hate how one week you can be best buddies with a person, or a group of people, and then the next youre noone to them. maybe its my fault. i have this thing where i always have to wait and see if they will come up to me first, but they rarely do. maybe theyre just waiting on me to make the move? or maybe i was just the flavour of the month, nothing but an old taste in their mouth. and then there are the guys who you could talk to for hours and hours about nothing, and you saw them as your brother, but they saw you as something more. but the one that hurts the most is the one who stays by your side through everything. hes the one who goes to hospital every single day just to sit by your bed while you cant even speak because youre in so much pain or so drugged up on morphine. hes the one who gets a little 's' tattooed on his hand to prove your friendship. hes the one who you thought you could always count on. but hes the one who leaves without a word. hes the one who when you ask him about it, all he replies with is 'i have nothing to say to you.' hes the one who hurts the most. ive lost so many people this year, but theres only two i wish i could get back. the weird thing is, id only known them for a few months before any shit happened. oh, and they hate each other.
on another note, my court case went extremely well on thursday. the two dangerous driving causing GBH were totally dismissed, so that is amazing news. i have to get a pre-sentencing report done by the parole office in the next few weeks and i get sentenced on the 20th of april.
i also get my leg pin taken out next thursday, so that means i wont have any metal in my body anymore. i can finally put this all behind me. i can finally let go.
dont get me wrong, i still feel guilty even just saying that, being happy about it, but im trying to live my life.
now all thats left to do is celebrate.

one year.

2009-02-03T20:09:00.002+11:00

one fucking year. one year. oneyearoneyearoneyear. as much as i say it, it still doesnt get any easier.

scene points plz.

2009-02-02T15:27:00.001+11:00

drop BROOKE for... you know the deal.

old thoughts.

2009-02-02T04:56:00.000+11:00

"I step out of the building I've been hiding in for the past 7 hours and light up a cigarette. As I draw back, the unsavoury taste of smoke fills my lungs killing me more and more each time. It's such a foul habit, but I can't see myself stopping anytime soon. These days, it feels as though Peter Stuyvesant is my only friend, and he's trying to kill me. I walk to the bus stop, ignoring everyone around me. I almost miss my bus but I don't care, I just want to finish my cigarette. $2.90 to the city. It's always the same. Hop on, smile politely to the driver, find somewhere to call my own for 15 minutes, get off. Today is good, the bus isn't overly crowded and I get a seat to myself. This makes me happy. I get to the city to find that I'm early for once, so I light up again and walk to the Bathurst Street entry of Town Hall Station. The streets are crowded with people, cars, busses. It's Friday, so there are a few odd people lurking around Town Hall. I wonder what they do with themselves? I start to ask myself questions about them..."

sundaze.

2009-02-01T13:55:00.000+11:00

just woke up. im in serious need of a cigarette, but i dont get paid until tomorrow. /sigh.theres two people i want to see more than anything. and funnily enough, theyre both in sydney. i need a drink. vodka, preferably.

as i watch the setting sun, i cant help but wonder if im the only one.

2009-01-30T18:33:00.001+11:00

why the fuck cant things just stay how they are. i wish i could rewind back to feb 2, 08. i wouldve gone to sydney. fuck the loft, fuck cheap fucks, fuck waking up, fuck the rain, fuck john renshaw drive, fuck commodores. fuck me. i have to stop holding on, i just dont know how.