i'll believe everything,

but i dont believe in anything. how am i meant to believe in some 'god' when i look around and see so many terrible things? i see my friends crippled with things that noone should have to go through, let alone at such a young age. i look at my sister, nephew and nieces and see that theyre stuck so far away from anyone who could help them while they get beat up by her abusive husband; their abusive father. i look at my parents, who have tried so hard their whole lives to be great people, who ARE great people and what do they have to show for it? a daughter who cant call them, a pothead son who has been in and out of jail more than i can count, another son who is an alcoholic, a daughter who almost killed herself, put a man in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and forced them to almost bankruptcy, a beautiful house they have to sell because they cant afford to live in and two people they can call friends. i look around and see everything from war to poverty, to all these horrible things and i dont understand how there could be so many things wrong if theres someone up there who we are meant to pray to to make these bad things go away. i just dont understand how everything is so fucked up, and yet people still want me to believe in something that is doing nothing to make anything better. i have been in one of these fucked up situations, and i got through that. but was i 'meant to live'? i dont know. but i did live and that was because of some amazing people who got me out of that wreck, people who worked night and day on my mangled body, people who stood by my side, people will always stand by my side. not by the work of some mystical being noone even has proof of existing. but then, without this mystical being, would those people have the means to helping other people the way they helped me? and if this mystical being did indeed give those people the tools to help other people, then why cant this mystical being, this god, give everyone the toold so help other people so that these things that are so fucked up dont exist anymore? there is so much beauty in the world, i see how the clouds form in the afternoon and how the sun hits them and the hills around me and it can make me smile so much and brighten my day, but does that beauty really out do all of the horrendous things out there? ive tried to believe in a god, i really have, but how can i when there are so many wretched things everywhere around me?